1. sabelmouse:

    Enjoy Saturated Fats, They’re Good for You!

    This, sort of. The reason why we’re all Fat Bastards nowadays is because our ability to obtain high-density energy sources far outweighs what we, in the industrial West, actually have to do with ourselves all day. Most people don’t need to trek for miles over hill and dale to find their dinner, they can pop open the fridge and find it there or run out to Tesco’s up the road.

    (via bloodmouthsunite)


  2. A Good Porking.

    I like a good porking now and then. And recently my housemate Scott gave one to me.

    Roast dinners are not too difficult to do (this is pork with mashed spuds, carrots, and other root vegetables) but they are time-consuming so I don’t do them often. Scott, however, was willing to step up to the plate, so a tip o’ the trilby to him. Basically, the skill is to time everything just right. The only downside is that you can’t make a roast for one too easily, so if you’ve got friends to enjoy it with, all the better.

    Musical accompaniment? Well, it involves TAKING PORK and the mash was very CREAMY, so… “Cum Junkie" by Genitorturers?


  3. Chilli Tit Wank.

    This is so named because it involves a SPICY SAUSAGE and two LARGE BREASTS.

    A chorizo and two chicken fillets, of course.

    What you do is you get two chicken breasts, a chorizo ring (better still - a wild boar chorizo ring if you can get it - I had this Spanish housemate once and he went back home for a while and came back with a very fresh one of these. Asked him about it and he said he and his old man had just gone and shot it a few days previous. It was highly yum. Much denser and stronger flavoured than pig chorizo.) A bell pepper, 4 habaneros, some kidney beans, an onion, and some tomatoes. Peel and chop and dice accordingly, fry onions, chuck in chicken and fry till sealed, add everything else and a spot of water also so it’s not too dry, then bring to the boil, then simmer, all while boiling up some rice. Tip it all together and enjoy.

    The advantage of this is that with the proportions I’ve cited above, you end up with mountains of it, so you can freeze it and re-eat later. It keeps almost indefinitely when frozen as well. Also, it’s packed full of protein and lots of vitamins A and C (habanero chillies contain more of these by weight than oranges, dont’cha know.) So there’s no reason why not to get your laughing gear round this post-haste.

    Musical accompaniment? Probably “Slut of Sodom" by Legion of the Damned. Because it’s the song whose lyrical content most closely matches the name of the dish. Of course, if you’re willing to delve into the world of grindcore, "Tit Fuck" by Shat would fit.


  4. Blue Steak.

    Oh yes. Oh yes. If there’s one dish that squicks out vegan folks, vegetarians, and even some fellow bloodmouths, it’s the blue steak. But having your steak blue is to me the most visceral and, well, realest, way of eating steak.


    Yeah, apologies for crap lighting and all that. And apologies for crap chips as well - I was working late, and didn’t have any proper chips in and all the shops were shut. (Oh, how I suffer for my art.) Anyhow. This is the dish. Blue steak is an utter doddle to do but you have to learn how to do it properly. Basically, you start by getting a really nice chunk o’ beef. Fillet is best. Sirloin less so, rump if you absolutely must, but hamburger is best avoided (as will be explained below).

    It works on the principle that only the exposed surface area of beef generally attracts bacteria. So, you get your pan nice and hot, heating the butter till it is spitting. Leave your steak to breathe for a while beforehand, of course, and rub salt and/or pepper into it. Then bung in your mushrooms and/or onions and/or anything else you want to go with it. Finally, re-brando the pan with additional butter if you need to, then throw in your chunk o’ meat. Press it down on both sides until they’re properly seared, then ensure you roll the edges, if necessary, round in the hot melted butter to seal them as well. The whole process should take about 3-4 minutes. Note that it looks brown and cooked on the outside but the inside is pretty much as red as when it came out the arse end of the abattoir.

    The effect you should be aiming for is basically that you’ve done little more than wipe the cow’s arse and taken its horns out, or that a defibrillator judiciously applied would bring it mooing back to life.

    I suppose there’s only one musical accompaniment to this dinner, and that’s “Carnivore" by Carnivore. Which is not actually about eating steak so much as, well, muff diving, but who cares, it’s an epic song anyhow!!!!


  5. Spaghetti alla District 9.

    This is so called because it has lots of prawns in it, and if you eat it, it will make you swear in a comedy South African accent.

    Get your hands on 200g or so of cooked and peeled king prawns, or preferably tiger prawns (not shown because they’re rather pricey). Fresh is best but you can get very nice frozen prawns as well if you must (Gordon Ramsey would have a shit-fit, though). Drain them of excess water. Heat up some olive oil in a frying pan until it’s very hot then bung them in. Drain off any excess  water, then add approx. 1 large glass of red wine, and half a tube of tomato paste, and three to five sliced habanero peppers (including the seeds - this is MOST important), and keep everything well stirred until you get the prawns bathing in a nice gloopy red sauce.

    While you’re doing all this, boil up some (100g) spaghetti. Then when everything’s ready, drain the spaghetti, mix it all up in the pan. Serves one.

    Slight safety notice - be careful not to flip the red stuff into your eyes while eating it. I’ve done that and it CANES.

    Bon appetit. And while you’re eating this, set the ambience with Kreator’s song “Some Pain Will Last." Because it will. Usually on the bog the next day.